I forgot to say last night but while we were away dad decided to grow a BEARD!!!  He looks so weird to me now.  I've only ever known him with a moustache but the beard is... well I find I am suspicious of it.  I can only look at him in profile, if I see him head on it just freaks me out!!

God my life is a cluster fuck at the minute.  I thought I was doing ok but right now I really wish I were suicidal.  If I weren't here then I couldn't be making such a mess of everything. 

( Slave labour, arguments and injuries. AKA The state of mylife.  )

I am swamped.  Life has just got a bit much at the minute.  Dad has managed to get me a job as a kennel maid which I DO NOT WANT.  But as it's only a few weeks as a favour kind of thing I am totally backed into a corner.  I just wish that they would sit down and say, "This is what we want you to do, this is how much we will pay you and these are the dates you'll need to work".  But no, I turned up last week to be shown what to do, which I don't think I'll be paid for, went back today and did a hell of a lot of work and then when I finished they said they want me back tomorrow and friday.  This is before we have even got to the point where they go on holiday and I am going to be living there.  "House sitting and looking after some dogs" this is not. 

Basically I hate it, it's a lovely clean place and all but it is prison for dogs and cats.  They get no love, just cleaned, fed and emptied.  It is hard work as well.  At the minute there are about 10 dogs in and 6 cats so repeat this list times that.  Hopefully when I'm in charge it'll be 2-4 dogs and an indeterminate number of cats.  

( Click on the cut for how to run a kennels. I thought I'd spare your flists a bit! )
I'll be staying overnight in case of emergency... although noone has told me what to do in case of an emergency like the barn burning down... I've been told to call vets out if they're sick but if the barn is on fire do I just release all the animals?  Try and put the cats in boxes?  What about the dogs that bite other dogs, do I let them take their chances? And do I let the geese out too and have them get eaten by dogs?  Oh the worries!!!

But aside from that I'm hoping that dad will be doing the hard work most days, I'll do weekends or something, and I can do the evening walk and answer phones etc.  They have a whole load of admin needs doing, it's a freakin' mess, so I'll probably end up sorting that out for them.  But I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or if I can leave in the afternoons or what.  I'd just like a straight answer but they don't seem to be straight answer kinds of people.  I can see why dad gets on with them so well!!!

So yeah, I'm now knackered and my wrists are about to go big time.  I see ice packs in my future.  So we will see how this goes.  They leave on the 4th September and I leave on the 18th so it's two weeks... plus whatever they decide they want me to do in the mean time, which was definitely NOT a part of the agreement, but then so little was. 

Note to self, if dad ever asks you to do something, JUST SAY NO!!! It's not worth it!!!  I came home today and burst into tears on dad.  Frodo was frantic, he is very good at licking up tears though, which is nice if rather gross.  I like knowing that someone cares.  I think I scared dad off though coz he was out the door like a shot.  Bloody men!!! 

The high point of dinner was that I came up with a dessert that dad actually enjoyed!!!!!!!!!  I found this ginger and chilli sauce in Tesco among the ice cream sauces and just knew it would be perfect for him.  I have been reliably informed that the last time he enjoyed a dessert so much was 1979. 

Dad never eats dessert, he doesn't like sweet things very much in general and a lot of dessert staples are ruled out by his pickiness.  Ginger is the one thing he likes and combinging that with chilli, genius!!!  Full points to Tesco for inventing it. 

Today was my parents' 30th wedding anniversary.  They spent the day in the lake district, where they spent their honeymoon.  I woke up this morning and thought "You know what? We should really do something to celebrate."  So I planned a menu, priced it up online, went to the supermarket and bought my carefully priced list of things, added a few extra bits, borrowed 50p from Robyn as I'd gone over budget, came home and cooked for several hours. 

The Menu:

Bruschetta and champagne pre-dinner nibbles
Prawn and herb skewers
Gnocchi with a creamy mushroom and spinach sauce with grilled chicken
Vanilla ice cream with raspberry syrup or ginger and chilli sauce. 

We'll be having gnocchi for lunch tomorrow... one packet isn't quite enough for 3, two packets is far too much for 4.  It's odd.  Bloody good value though.  Apart from the champagne and wine the whole lot cost £20. 

We sat out in the garden all evening, Robs had lit tealights everywhere and we all got a bit merry on champagne, wine and then Armanjac to follow.  It was a really nice evening and I'm so proud of myself for being able to throw together a multi course dinner without any trouble at all and almost no planning.  Everything was perfectly cooked and served on time without any huge lulls beteen courses.  Over all a great success. 

I also made hummous as I was waiting for Robyn before I could go to the supermarket.  It's just not as good as the stuff we used to eat at LS6... well, may be it'd be better with pita strips but I was just tasting on my finger so we'll see. Luckily dad likes hummous!!!

Tomorrow Robs and I are off to Leeds for more hospital jammies and returning things to Primark.  Yay Primark!!!

-Walked the dog repeatedly.
-Did the washing up.
-Went to town to: collect family prescriptions
                               do some banking
                               post letters
                               buy groceries
-Made crystalized flowers to store.
-Prepared dinner (Homemade turkey and mozerella burgers, homemade chips and Carnation Milk Jelly as as a treat for mum)
-Cooked dinner.
-Made packed lunches for mum and dad tomorrow.

... I am beginning to wonder who the child is!!!  I'll be picking them up drunk from parties next!!

Tomorrow I am hoping to do housework and clean the windows outside if the weather is fine.  I'm also thinking about making scones or perhaps a cake.  I may go out with the dog for an adventure too.  I should put "housewife" on my CV to cover this gap... or may be "homemaker" as I'm not a wife.  I certainly qualify anyway!!!  May be I'll join the WI... second thoughts no, I think that our local WI may actually be a front for either aliens or an evil coven!!!

ETA: Just to clarify this isn't any form of complaint.  I like having more control over my life.  I do all of these things and more when I have my own home to run but here it isn't my home to run, it's mum's.  It's nice to have been 'in charge' these last few days. 

Dad's prophesying again.  I don't know where his sudden optimism has come from but I've given up.  Optimism is simply a waste of energy.  I'll either get a job or, much more likely, I won't.  Being upbeat won't make it happen any faster or make reality any less depressing. 

Then again he seems to have all the luck at the minute.  Today the horse he mostly looks after died leaving him without that job.  Then he got a phone call about helping a lady who's on crutches down in Easingwold with her horse, sheep and pigs for the forseeable future.  Alright for some. 

I just taught my parents how to use the red button and play along with the national lottery 1-v-100.  They're having a great time.  So much so that I just heard my dad yell "Ha ha! I got it! Who's the daddy?!" ... which is all kinds of disturbing but it's nice that they're having fun!!!

Dad keeps saying how he has a really good feeling that I'll get good news tomorrow.  It's starting to creep me out. 

I didn't get the job from Tuesday's interview but I didn't want it so that's fine.  Monday's interview won't get back to me for a good while yet and Wednesday's interview will get back to me by next Friday they said.  The only outstanding thing in the first NHS interview from the 7th, who I should hear from some time soon but I had no hopes in that respect as I just didn't feel like I had my head in the game that day and don't think I interviewed well. 

So I shall await the complete lack of anything happening tomorrow with baited breath!!!  Honestly, the last 6 months of rejection in both a personal and professional capacity have taken their toll and I can't find it in me to be hopeful about anything any more.  I do wonder when the universe will stop shitting on me though, surely I'm due a little bit of happiness without it all turning to shit some time soon, right?

Dad has a really bad cold at the minute and he's coughing fit to bust.  I think his head may actually explode any day now. But every time he stops coughing and goes quiet I'm convinced he's died!!!

My dad has gone to bed ill and called in sick to work. 

That is the first time in the history of the universe that he has done that... well, except for the time he was hospitalised with pneumonia, I don't think the army lets you play soldiers with pneumonia.  But yeah, he's really really ill... I hope I don't get it.  I do not vomit. 

He's either too sick to care or being all manly with the 'I don't need anything leave me alone to die in peace' but yeah, I'm dad sitting while mum does the supermarket shop.  But I'm off the hook horses wise, yay!!!

1.  Realistically, how many mince pies can I eat in one day?

2.  Realistically, how many mince pies should I eat in one day?

I'm having will power issues.

Oh and another charming case of PMT today, I actually screamed at my dad "I hate you!!! You're always such a cock!!!"  and ran upstairs... having detoured to get my mince pie.  I then slammed the door to my room behind me and sobed my little heart out.  He came and apologised for yelling at me and I eventually forgave him.  It's live being a sodding teenager again.  I'm just going to go right ahead and shoot my doctor for putting me (and everyone else caught in the crossfire) through this. 

I love a surprise Ikea trip!!!  I was supposed to b getting the train home but just as I was about to leave for the station I got a call from mum saying that if it was ok with me she and dad woulddrive across to Leeds to get me and then go on to Ikea as they needed some curtains for Robyn (who we are going to see tomorrow) and dad had broken another wineglass.  (This time we just bought a whole extra 6 as well as one to replace the broken one, the man is a menace!!) So I moseyed around the place doing some more tidying for an hour and then, after quickly introducing dad to the fish, off we went to Ikea!!!  Obviously I came out with far more than I went in for... which thinking about it I went in for nothing and still managed to come out with a lamp shade, a vase, 2 large picture frames, a scented candle (as a present for Robyn) and a flan dish.  Mum also came out with more than she went in for.  Duh, it's Ikea!!!  Needless to say dad wasn't impressed in the least so I bought him a hotdog... mmmm, Ikea hotdogs... 

Anyway, then the rentals proceeded to argue the whole way back about which route was quicker and whether or not we were on this route and whether or not the other was losing his/her bloody mind and insulting each other's navigational ability.  It got to the point where once we got home they pulled up Autoroute Express and Google Earth to settle the debate.  *rolls eyes*  Naturally they didn't settle it but both eventually gave up once I'd clipped the over the head... no, literally. 

I then spent a jolly evening putting together a flat pack stepping stool. and eating fish pie.  Life is good.  I have to get up at stupi o'clock tomorro morning to go across to Lancaster to see Robs and fit curtains/coddle her a bit. Poor thing, she really does sound like death.  Not even death warmed up, just death!!!  I have put together a care package of a quiche, 4 meringue bones, 2 oranges and some sweets.  Although I hope I don't catch her cold!!!

My parents are avidly watching "Ultimate Boy Racers".  Last week it was "Ultimate Car Theives" or something like that. They're fascinated!!!

It's just really really weird.  They're Daily Mail readers for crying out loud, these people are common criminals (and I mean common in he snobby sense) and they're riveted... Top Gear I can understand, but this???  May be it's like watching documentaries of weird foreign tribes in Africa or something.  They're humans like us but they're just so different and incomprehensible... yeah, may be that's it, the mystic of chavs!!!

Going to chop logs with dad... if I retain use of all my limbs I'll be back later.  If noone hears from me it's coz I am missing an appendage!!!! 

  ETA: Home now, all limbs attached!!!!  

While we were round at Church House there was a whole thing with the electrician... I'd elaborate but while I speak 4 languages Electrician ain't one of them!! I have no clue what was going on but it involved lots of running around and flicking light switches to see if lights went on or off... and 'earthing'...?

I forgot to mention that my dad got a job.  I believe he's been doing it since the beginning of December but we children didn't find out until a few weeks ago.   It's just a job at the Total station, pushing buttons and taking money but he seems to enjoy it.  He's all cute and proud of himself.  I think I was right when I predicted that he'd go mad with boredom being retired and essentially this is just a 'pin money' job but he's happy and that's the important thing!!!  Although, I still think he's insane, it involves getting up some days at 6am and others staying up til gone 10pm... the man has gone to bed at 9pm since the year dot!!! Weird.  But, like I said, he's happy and that's the important thing.

I just almost came out to my mother.  But I didn't.  It was on the tip of my tongue.  It would have been the perfect conversation to slip it into.  Well, not perfect, it's never going to be a perfect conversation, especially after the whooha with my dad but it would have been a good opening... really really weird since I've always said I wouldn't coz frankly she can't handle the idea.  She'd probably be better able to get it if I were gay but bi just doesn't seem to compute.  And besides, even if I were gay I'd probably "grow out of it" soon enough.  Yeah, she's one of those, she just can't get her head around it, just as I can't quite get my head around exclusively gay or straight people.