( Slave labour, arguments and injuries. AKA The state of mylife. )
- Location:day bed
- Mood:
distressed
Basically I hate it, it's a lovely clean place and all but it is prison for dogs and cats. They get no love, just cleaned, fed and emptied. It is hard work as well. At the minute there are about 10 dogs in and 6 cats so repeat this list times that. Hopefully when I'm in charge it'll be 2-4 dogs and an indeterminate number of cats.
( Click on the cut for how to run a kennels. I thought I'd spare your flists a bit! )
I'll be staying overnight in case of emergency... although noone has told me what to do in case of an emergency like the barn burning down... I've been told to call vets out if they're sick but if the barn is on fire do I just release all the animals? Try and put the cats in boxes? What about the dogs that bite other dogs, do I let them take their chances? And do I let the geese out too and have them get eaten by dogs? Oh the worries!!!
But aside from that I'm hoping that dad will be doing the hard work most days, I'll do weekends or something, and I can do the evening walk and answer phones etc. They have a whole load of admin needs doing, it's a freakin' mess, so I'll probably end up sorting that out for them. But I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to be doing or if I can leave in the afternoons or what. I'd just like a straight answer but they don't seem to be straight answer kinds of people. I can see why dad gets on with them so well!!!
So yeah, I'm now knackered and my wrists are about to go big time. I see ice packs in my future. So we will see how this goes. They leave on the 4th September and I leave on the 18th so it's two weeks... plus whatever they decide they want me to do in the mean time, which was definitely NOT a part of the agreement, but then so little was.
Note to self, if dad ever asks you to do something, JUST SAY NO!!! It's not worth it!!! I came home today and burst into tears on dad. Frodo was frantic, he is very good at licking up tears though, which is nice if rather gross. I like knowing that someone cares. I think I scared dad off though coz he was out the door like a shot. Bloody men!!!
- Location:day bed
- Mood:
anxious
So yeah, I was feeling quite good about myself, I had nice hair, I was wearing make up and my clothes had come together nicely. I've basically let myself go coz in Pickhill it's so far from worth it. Noone cares what I wear to walk he dog and they're all batshit crazy too. But today I was doing well, I even had bread started and pastries to have for tea. And I bought makeup, I ran out of mascara a week or two ago and couldn't see the point in replacing it until today. Life was good!!
Then mum came home.
I have had 4 inches chopped off my hair and it was down for the first time in months. Did she notice? Did she heck as like!!! Instead I was shouted at and essentially told I was not wanted or needed. She and Robyn have gone to the vet with the dog, Me being surplus to requirements, and dad has gone to the pub. I am now wearing scruffy jeans, a dirty flour covered Tshirt, my hair is up again and my makeup had to go coz the tears kinda ruined it.
So that went well. I'll see if I can be bothered to start trying another time.
- Location:sofa in the conservatory
- Mood:
rejected
I actually just burst into tears like a five year old just now and mum had to hug better me coz I was just so sodding fed up of it. It's not just painful, it's embarassing. Luckily I haven't actually injured myself yet, just scrapes and knocks but it still hurts and it is bloody annoying and humiliating. I just don't know what's happened to me!!!
- Location:sitting on my bed
- Mood:
embarrassed
My emotional outlet is baking... I may try making bread. That's not cake. You can't use the "We can't eat any more cake" argument on bread. It's a staple. Ha ha!!!!!!!!!
I have taken over making dinner so mum can focus on panicking. Mum and dad went to the pub tonight while I stayed home to cook. I expected them back for half seven at the latest. They finally rolled in at five to eight, not having bothered to call or anything. DInner was late but not ruined, luckily as it wasn't something time sensitive, I just didn't start cooking until they arrived. But I'm still mad at them for it!!!!!!
I was supposed to be speaking to Sam tonight, which I was really looking forward to, but Mum has spent the whole evening on the phone, she was even taking/making calls at the dinner table. So so much for even that!!!!
My birthday on Sunday is going to be a real blast, I can tell. At this rate I'm expecting to be told it's been cancelled as they're too busy stressing out over Robyn. Not that there is anything to cancel. May be it'll just get forgotten entirely. I am already practically invisible they hardly need that much of a push to just forget I exist at all!!!
Yes, fine I'm being a brat and sulking but that's what this blog is for, taking the emotional over flow so that I can remain mature and level headed and not kill my family with a bread knife. PMT does not help either. I'm gointo be so much fun this week!!!
- Location:day bed
- Mood:
pissed off
- Location:day bed
- Mood:
disappointed
Thank god for the residual joy of Barrowman of I'd probably have just driven into a tree and had done with it!!!
I went for this interview today and first had a typing test. They took two of us into a room and set us to it, which was kind of disturbing to be honest. I ony got 44wpm, which is far from my usual average. Now I know they were looking for 60wpm so fair's fair. I didn't even get to the interview stage but they were just rude!!! Usually in these situations there's a certain etiquette, they at least pretend to interview and let you down gentley but a secretary came to tell me that there was no point in going any further, good luck with your job hunt, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
I left and got in my car where I sobbed my fucking heart out. It was humiliating and demotivating in the extreme. Had a minor panic attack on the phone to mum so I got it out of my system and then phoned my recruitment consultant to say what had happened. Turns out they did the same to two other girls this week, one of whom is definitely a 60wpm girl. Apparently they made some hasty redundancies last autumn and are now looking to recuit someone for 3-4 months with the potential to go perm. We think they know exactly who's getting the job. One of their previous staff. They're only 'interviewing' to cover their own backs.
I had such a good opinion of this firm before this (They're very well known in the North East and have a good reputation) but now having been treated so discourteously I have to say that opinion has gone rapidly downhill.
Oh and to top it off, this morning I started peeling on my back, this afternoon I came out in blisters where the worst burn was. I look like a fucking leper under my clothes!!!!
- Location:day bed
- Mood:
infuriated
crappy
drained- Location:bed
- Mood:
depressed
I'm craving something. I don't know what and so I'm pretty much just eating whatever's lying around in the hope that it'll be that... what I really want are Oreo Sticks, but they live in Japan so sucks to be me. I had steak and veggies for dinner, then some crunch creams and then a sliver of Charlie's pizza and I'm now defrosting profiterolls coz it seemed like a good idea. I'm just so bloody hungry for something I just don't know what. I'm also too cold but I'm huddling in my room trying to fix that with the judicious application of blankets. I'm going to try and implement a new sleep regime. Melatonin at midnight, alarm at 9am but a nice soft opening track to ease me into life. Tomorrow I must hit the supermarket and get cola and sweet stuff. There is a lack of dessert in my life... except the profiterolls, which are soon to be history. I'm eating way too much chocolate in the name of PMT but I don't especially care as I've been eating really healthily these last few weeks. In the meantime I'm hungry, cold and grumpy... somewhat like a bear!!! I shall hibernate.
- Location:bed
- Mood:
cranky
ETA: It is now a significantly worse headache, which is kind of nice coz it gives me something concrete to worry about and can be fixed by judicious application of painkillers and Anna's patented pain management technique, which basically boils down to 'If I'm asleep then it won't hurt'.
- Location:bed
- Mood:
weird
( Who wants to hear about Anna's crapy day? )
- Location:bed
- Mood:
stressed
But let's get back to the main point here. I haven't bought any clothes or shoes in two freakin' months!!!!
( Ok, so it's pathetic but I'm allowed to mope. I've put the rest under a cut to shelter you all from my patheticness!!! )
- Location:bed at home. Come for the food, stay for the shower.
- Mood: rejected
- Location:bed
- Mood: disappointed
So today I have been so unbelievably depressed. Everything just kept getting worse and worse in tiny little increments. I broke a mirror, which totally upset me coz of the sentimental value of the mirror not coz of any supposed bad luck. It was just a 100yen one I picked up in Japan but I'd stuck purikura and other stickers round the edge and it meant a lot to me. Then I got mud all over my skirt and coat walkign up from the station. When I eventually got here the house was a total mess, then I had a fight with mum on the phone coz I told her how it upsets us when she 'jokes' about killing herself. Robyn and I have grown up with her threatening to stick her head in the gas oven whenever she wants to guilt us and I finally had anough and yelled at her, telling her how hurtful we found it and however much she says it 'in jest' it just isn't funny and never has been. So she then tried guilting me in a different way and it was just a mess all round. And I still had to tidy up once everyone finished in the living room!! I just felt all invisible and misunderstood and ignored. Not a good feeling. Luckily I had a good amount of post finale fic to read to give my need to cry an outlet other than killing everyone/myself. Also my new phone is fabulous so I played with that a lot and sent pointless texts using handwriting or qwerty just coz I could!!! But now I have had some chinese food, tidied up the living room and kitchen as much as I'm able.
I don't care if it's not exactly pristine, we've got builders in, it's only to be expected. I just wanted it to be neat. I refuse to live in a house that's cluttered and messy when there is no need for it. In the old flat there was precious little space so things got a little cluttered. There is no need here, there is plenty of space, it's just laziness and bad housekeeping if we do it here. Yes, I'm a little stressed these days so my ocd tendancies are coming out more but it's only to be expected. I know that other people live in messier houses, fine, I don't. Mess, clutter and general untidiness honestly upsets me. Earlier I was bursting into tears at the state of the drawing room and all it took was 20 minutes to straighten everything out, simple!!... anyway, enough of a housekeeping rant, if I tidy up every time I come back I shouldn't start to feel like jacking it all in and breaking the tenancy as I did earlier today, all it needs is keeping on top of and it'll be fine. If I have to do it then so be it but I refuse to live in a mess. ... right, rant over, honest.
Tomorrow I graduate. I'm terrified of falling off the stage, not doing the right thing, walking the wrong way etc. but hey, it'll only be in front of hundreds of people including my entire family so no worries!!! It feels a bit anticlimactic, obviously if I'd got that 2:1 I'd have been far more into it than I am but hey, tomorrow I shall try to celebrate being mediocre with glee.
- Location:on my bed at the new house
- Mood: depressed
- Location:desk at home
- Mood: sulking
( In which I start to rant about one thing and the go off on one and end up just going FUCK IT ALL!!! )
Bollocks to this.
- Location:bed
- Mood: cranky
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